Love – Submission
How do I explain how those are connected in my mind? The idea of submission draws up so many negative connotations for most women, but yet in my mind it is so far from negative as to be practically the opposite. I really don’t know how this came about...I guess you could start a whole nature vs. nurture debate on the subject. Why some women are naturally inclined towards submissiveness and others very much not is I would guess a subject for some trained psychologist somewhere. All I know is my own experience, my own feelings towards the matter. And here lately I’ve felt the need to put it down on paper, to write it out and basically explore my own feelings on the subject.
See when I think of submissiveness I tend to see different kinds of submissive behavior – different levels so to speak. For me there is a big difference between the kind of submissiveness I feel towards my husband and some of the “examples” people think of when they think of a submissive woman.
When I think about being a submissive – I think of giving myself completely to my husband. I see it as a gift I offer to him. When I give my body to him for his pleasure it is offered to him because of the incredible love I have for him. He enjoys my body. In my mind my body was made for his pleasure. As his wife it is my “job” to pleasure him….to ensure that he is happy, content and sexually satisfied. And I try to take that job seriously. I feel like it is one of the many, many ways I can show him how deep my love for him is and it is probably the most tangible way for me to do so.
There are a lot of reasons, I think, that cause me to think and feel this way. Some of them I think just have to do with how I’m wired as a person. Others come from my past experiences. Ironically, my first marriage was to a very dominant male personality and I was miserable. He was pretty much a male chauvinistic pig who saw women as objects, property. He treated me very poorly. He attacked my self-esteem, my self-worth and made me feel like I was incapable of surviving without him. “Hmmm, I don’t get the difference”…you might be saying at this point. Yeah, I know for some people that is exactly what they think is going on when a woman is submissive to a man. They immediately think it means that she has no will of her own; they think it means that she becomes a doormat, that she is just asking to be taken advantage of and used. But my personal experience tells me different. When I was married to my first husband I was the same strong, intelligent, loving woman I am today. I had hopes, dreams, desires and ideas of my own. My ex was a dominant personality from a place of malice and k, selfishness. He wasn’t dominant because he was a strong, confident man who loved me and wanted to take care of me. He was dominant because he was a bully, who was selfish and wanted someone to take care of him. He had no desire to protect me or cherish me; he only wanted to use me.
It’s very different with my second husband. We’ve been married for 20 years now. Its only lately we’ve been exploring this dominant/submissive thing but it’s been an underlying desire of mine for along time. When I met him my first impressions of him were that he was a very strong, confident man. Some of my first interactions with him involved him actually criticizing my previous husband for treating me like a doormat. I remember thinking “wow, are there men out there that actually respect women like that?” Now if you asked him he would probably beg to differ. He would tell you that he’s not really that confident of a person or that he’s not the man I think he is…but he’d be wrong. It comes naturally to him. His very personality exudes leadership, confidence, and strength. When he wraps his arms around me I know without a doubt that he would move heaven and earth to protect me and keep me safe. That is a really good feeling. It is from knowing he loves me that much that I am able to submit myself (heart, body & soul) to him willingly. When I think about how much he loves me, how much he would and HAS sacrificed for me, I want to give him back something valuable in return. I want to give him a clear tangible sign of how much I love him, how much I desire him, how much I would do for him. And for me being submissive in the bedroom….being HIS submissive is a way for me to do that. And doing so brings me more pleasure than you can imagine.
I receive incredible pleasure (both emotional AND sexual) from submitting to him. When he exerts his dominance in the bedroom it brings me tremendous excitement. When I use my body to bring him pleasure it brings me pleasure and satisfaction. When he asks me to do things specifically for him – it excites me that I will be able to do something to show my love for him, that I will be able to please him. With the first marriage I felt incredibly worthless, I felt like a piece of meat, an object. With my husband now I feel so valued, so loved, so special. He has called me his “precious” for a very long time and he makes me feel that way.
What a lot of people don’t understand is that in a true dom/sub relationship the submissive does in fact have power. In most dominant/submissive relationships (at least the ones I’ve encountered) the dominant acts out of love or caring towards his submissive, he desires to protect her, take care of her, treasure her as his. She belongs to him and is thus valuable. Do I belong to my husband...Oh yes! I belong to him in every way, but I belong to him because it is MY desire to be his. It is my desire for our relationship to exist in this fashion. I know that he loves me and I know that I have levels of control in our relationship. I don’t feel like choosing this type of existence makes me less of a woman or makes me less intelligent or diminishes my strength as a woman….I actually feel the opposite.
Just some personal thoughts….comment if you agree or disagree. I’d love to hear thoughts from others.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
A Love You Hold Out For....
I just watched the end of a movie that was from a book I once read...."Nights In Rodanthe". Yeah, I know Nicholas Sparks...sappy, cliche', etc., etc. But the movie made me think. Made me think about what I have with my husband....think about the love we share and how incredibly precious it is.
I'm really not sure that he even fathoms how incredibly important is love is to me. I don't know if he realizes how MUCH I love him and on so many different levels. I don't know if he knows that he saved me....
You see, I am quite a damaged person. I suffer from depression and it often takes hold of me in a way that is very overwhelming. In a way that makes me hard to live with and hard to love. Just the other day I drove to work thinking about my depression and how it sneaks in on me and starts to settle into my head and my heart. I wish I had had a voice recorder to record my thoughts at that time....they were pretty deep and insightful, but I alas I lost alot of them and am trying to remember everything that my brain spun. But the point of me bringing that up in the midst of a post about how much I love my husband is that I was waxing poetic and deep because I knew my depression was surfacing again. If you've ever lived with depression you know how it works, but if not then you may not realize that people who suffer from depression aren't always sad, depressed, etc. It comes in cycles, waves so to speak. For me I can live months, sometimes a year without it ever surfacing for me, but then suddenly the storm will come back towards the shore and wash over me....swallowing me up within its darkness and begin making me feel like I'm drowning. I've learned to recognize it. I've learned thru time to see the signs that the "weather" (so to speak) is changing and that the wave is going to be heading back towards the shore...towards me. That's where I was the other night driving...I recognized that the storm was coming, that likely soon its waves would wash over me and I would find myself having to cope with the affects, the symptoms that come with that storm. Which brings me back to him...to my husband...to my love.
You see in all our years together, thru time and hard lessons I have learned that when the storm waves comes crashing in on me the ONE thing that will keep me from drowning completely is to hang on to something solid. HE is that solid thing. In my mind I see a beach, a rocky shoreline with crashing waves and a raging storm and on that shore there is a post anchored deep with a rope tied to it. When the big waves come I have only to grab that rope and hang on tightly to the rope and the post and when the wave pulls away it won't take me out to sea with it. I will remain safe on shore, ragged and worn from the storm, but alive. He is my anchor to sanity. He is my world.
There are not enough words to explain what it feels like to love someone with that much depth. I love him for the lighthearted fun we have, I love him for the passion we share, I love him for the wonderful incredible man he is....and I love him because without him I would SURELY drown.
"You are the answer to every prayer I've ever offered. You are a song, a dream, a whisper...and I don't know how I could have lived without you for as long as I did."....The Notebook
"...There is another kind of love...one that gives you the courage to be better than you are, one that makes you feel that anything is possible..." Night in Rodanthe
You are that kind of love for me baby. Without finding you I would have been lost...eventually the storm would have come again and would have carried me away into a sea of insanity. I would have been lost....without you I simply would have been lost. Thank you for saving me...for loving me and for continuing to weather the storms with me.
I'm really not sure that he even fathoms how incredibly important is love is to me. I don't know if he realizes how MUCH I love him and on so many different levels. I don't know if he knows that he saved me....
You see, I am quite a damaged person. I suffer from depression and it often takes hold of me in a way that is very overwhelming. In a way that makes me hard to live with and hard to love. Just the other day I drove to work thinking about my depression and how it sneaks in on me and starts to settle into my head and my heart. I wish I had had a voice recorder to record my thoughts at that time....they were pretty deep and insightful, but I alas I lost alot of them and am trying to remember everything that my brain spun. But the point of me bringing that up in the midst of a post about how much I love my husband is that I was waxing poetic and deep because I knew my depression was surfacing again. If you've ever lived with depression you know how it works, but if not then you may not realize that people who suffer from depression aren't always sad, depressed, etc. It comes in cycles, waves so to speak. For me I can live months, sometimes a year without it ever surfacing for me, but then suddenly the storm will come back towards the shore and wash over me....swallowing me up within its darkness and begin making me feel like I'm drowning. I've learned to recognize it. I've learned thru time to see the signs that the "weather" (so to speak) is changing and that the wave is going to be heading back towards the shore...towards me. That's where I was the other night driving...I recognized that the storm was coming, that likely soon its waves would wash over me and I would find myself having to cope with the affects, the symptoms that come with that storm. Which brings me back to him...to my husband...to my love.
You see in all our years together, thru time and hard lessons I have learned that when the storm waves comes crashing in on me the ONE thing that will keep me from drowning completely is to hang on to something solid. HE is that solid thing. In my mind I see a beach, a rocky shoreline with crashing waves and a raging storm and on that shore there is a post anchored deep with a rope tied to it. When the big waves come I have only to grab that rope and hang on tightly to the rope and the post and when the wave pulls away it won't take me out to sea with it. I will remain safe on shore, ragged and worn from the storm, but alive. He is my anchor to sanity. He is my world.
There are not enough words to explain what it feels like to love someone with that much depth. I love him for the lighthearted fun we have, I love him for the passion we share, I love him for the wonderful incredible man he is....and I love him because without him I would SURELY drown.
"You are the answer to every prayer I've ever offered. You are a song, a dream, a whisper...and I don't know how I could have lived without you for as long as I did."....The Notebook
"...There is another kind of love...one that gives you the courage to be better than you are, one that makes you feel that anything is possible..." Night in Rodanthe
You are that kind of love for me baby. Without finding you I would have been lost...eventually the storm would have come again and would have carried me away into a sea of insanity. I would have been lost....without you I simply would have been lost. Thank you for saving me...for loving me and for continuing to weather the storms with me.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
First Bound...
Over the past several months my husband and I have been entertaining the idea of rope-play. Pictures that both of us had seen posted on the Tumblr feeds of several different folks we follow had enticed and intrigued. He found the "Two Knotty Boys" website and began watching some videos to learn how to do the knots and on several different trips to Home Depot for other household projects we managed to buy a variety of different ropes to try. He practiced his knots by making me a keychain first and it was a welcome present...I lose my keys frequently AND I knew it meant good things to come in the future.
My next present was a knotted collar....he created the collar using a beautiful dark blue rope and presented it to me one night. I had been thinking about him putting a collar on me for quite some time. See all of this is pretty new for us...we've been together 20 years the end of this month...our sex life has always been pretty good (with normal marital ups and downs of course)but it has also been pretty "vanilla"....HOWEVER, my fantasies have never leaned toward vanilla, My biggest turn on is submitting to a strong man....being his plaything, his toy and I also enjoy a bit of pain with my pleasure. I am definitely a submissive at heart.
I don't remember exactly how it came about, but I finally shared a bit of my desires with my husband and the last several months have been an enjoyable learning experience for us both as we explored our likes and dislikes. So having him put a collar on my neck that he had crafted with his own hands was VERY HOT for me!
But if I thought the collar going on my neck was hot....last night, was a volcano! We finally got a night to ourselves, which meant an empty house with neither of our two teenagers home. I suggested to him before I got home from errands that if he wanted he could practice with his ropes on me. Turned out to be a really good suggestion!
After dinner and some wine, he told me to go to our room and get his ropes. My heart began pounding in my chest as the prospect of where this night might go started running thru my head. I came to him in our computer room with the rope and was instructed to remove my clothing and stand in front of him with my back to him. My pulse was strumming at a speedy throb at this point. He began working the ropes around my shoulders and down my arms...the rope rubbing against my skin as he tied knots and deftly worked his fingers over my skin and round the rope. He told me that he was tying a "Dragonfly Sleeve". As he worked the ropes and they tightened around my arms pulling them in behind me so that I could not move my excitement began growing.
He finished the sleeves down my arms and pushed my legs apart and slid the ropes between my thighs and then told me to turn to him. I turned and the two ends of rope were pulled upwards across my now throbbing pussy lips and back up to be tied off across my chest and then around my throat. The slight roughness of the rope against my soft skin and the tight tug between my thighs as a I wiggled my arms caused my pussy to begin to grow slick with anticipation. He checked the knots and then told me to walk before him down the hall to the bedroom. My heart raced as I thought about the vulnerablity these ropes caused...the control he had over me tied in such a fashion. I liked the idea very much.
When we arrived in our bedroom I climbed up onto the bed and knelt facing him with my knees apart and my breasts thrust forward. His hands roamed over my body, admiring his work and teasing my skin with his touch. He instructed me to turn around. I heard the click of his phone taking a picture of his handiwork and then felt his hand on my back as he pushed me forward. Without my hands I was unable to catch myself and found myself face first in our pillows with my bottom in the air and my pussy pulsing with excitement. I could feel his warm breath as he leaned in close to my round bare bottom and then I felt his teeth as he began to bite my tender flesh (oh and for the record the biting is something I find incredibly exciting and we previously discovered he loved doing to me!) Bound as I was I could not squirm away or grasp tightly to our pillows as I usually did when this type of play would begin. I had to lie face down with my cheek pressed to the pillows and my ass nice and high while he continued to first bite, then lick, then bite again my round bottom and then move to the delicate flesh of my inner thighs. I could feel my pussy twitching and pulsating with pleasure with each bite, each sensation and then... I felt our recent paddle purchase crack across my bottom.
The sharp sting causing me to cry out and then moan with pleasure as I heard his pleased response to the lovely marks forming across my ass. For several minutes he tortured me with his teeth, then his mouth, then the paddle as I lay helpless and vulnerable to his desires. My thumbs were laced around the ropes that were pulled down across my pussy lips and with each bite or paddle I tugged tightly against them. The sensations of the ropes across my swollen pussy caused my body to pulse with pleasure the more he teased and tortured me. Then I felt him pull away and heard the sound of our toybox being unlocked....unable to see what he might be retrieving from the box, my heart began to thump like a rapid snare drum drill. I felt his fingers which had been teasing my body earlier in between bites begin to push our largest vibrator into me as he teased my clit. My hips arched upwards aching for my pussy to be filled. He thrust the vibrator in and out of me and continue to use his other hand to paddle my exposed ass. I cried out my pleasure over and over into the pillows as he teased my body.
Then abruptly the toy was removed and I was flipped onto my back, my bound arms under me, my thumbs still laced into the ropes and tugging them tight against my pussy flesh. He lifted my thighs and pushed them open wide as he slid his hard cock into my hot slippery pussy. The sensation of having him fuck me while I was bound up nice and tight was almost to much to handle. The electric jolts of pleasure coursing up and down my spine were driving me wild, my pussy clenching and unclenching over and over in orgasm as he continued to thrust in and out of me. Everything he had done this night, from the gentle way he bound me to the forceful taking of my pussy right now had driven me insane with pleasure...only one thing remained....and with one last hard thrust I felt my prize as his cock exploded and he pumped me full of his hot cum, my body pulsing with the pulsating orgasms that always wracked my body as he came inside me. As he pulled out of me I couldn't help but think "wow, now that was amazingly powerful sex we've had in a long time!".
My body trembled with aftershocks as he turned me onto my stomach and began removing my harness. As the last of the rope was removed, I curled into his body, languishing peacefully in his strong arms, so content to belong to this man, my husband and so happy that we were still finding new ways to bring excitement and fun into our bedroom!
Mmmmm....last night was an amazing night and I can't wait until we get a chance for him to practice his ropes again! Who knows...maybe I will share our next experience here as well!
Hope you enjoy reading about it as much as I enjoyed experiencing it!
My next present was a knotted collar....he created the collar using a beautiful dark blue rope and presented it to me one night. I had been thinking about him putting a collar on me for quite some time. See all of this is pretty new for us...we've been together 20 years the end of this month...our sex life has always been pretty good (with normal marital ups and downs of course)but it has also been pretty "vanilla"....HOWEVER, my fantasies have never leaned toward vanilla, My biggest turn on is submitting to a strong man....being his plaything, his toy and I also enjoy a bit of pain with my pleasure. I am definitely a submissive at heart.
I don't remember exactly how it came about, but I finally shared a bit of my desires with my husband and the last several months have been an enjoyable learning experience for us both as we explored our likes and dislikes. So having him put a collar on my neck that he had crafted with his own hands was VERY HOT for me!
But if I thought the collar going on my neck was hot....last night, was a volcano! We finally got a night to ourselves, which meant an empty house with neither of our two teenagers home. I suggested to him before I got home from errands that if he wanted he could practice with his ropes on me. Turned out to be a really good suggestion!
After dinner and some wine, he told me to go to our room and get his ropes. My heart began pounding in my chest as the prospect of where this night might go started running thru my head. I came to him in our computer room with the rope and was instructed to remove my clothing and stand in front of him with my back to him. My pulse was strumming at a speedy throb at this point. He began working the ropes around my shoulders and down my arms...the rope rubbing against my skin as he tied knots and deftly worked his fingers over my skin and round the rope. He told me that he was tying a "Dragonfly Sleeve". As he worked the ropes and they tightened around my arms pulling them in behind me so that I could not move my excitement began growing.
He finished the sleeves down my arms and pushed my legs apart and slid the ropes between my thighs and then told me to turn to him. I turned and the two ends of rope were pulled upwards across my now throbbing pussy lips and back up to be tied off across my chest and then around my throat. The slight roughness of the rope against my soft skin and the tight tug between my thighs as a I wiggled my arms caused my pussy to begin to grow slick with anticipation. He checked the knots and then told me to walk before him down the hall to the bedroom. My heart raced as I thought about the vulnerablity these ropes caused...the control he had over me tied in such a fashion. I liked the idea very much.
When we arrived in our bedroom I climbed up onto the bed and knelt facing him with my knees apart and my breasts thrust forward. His hands roamed over my body, admiring his work and teasing my skin with his touch. He instructed me to turn around. I heard the click of his phone taking a picture of his handiwork and then felt his hand on my back as he pushed me forward. Without my hands I was unable to catch myself and found myself face first in our pillows with my bottom in the air and my pussy pulsing with excitement. I could feel his warm breath as he leaned in close to my round bare bottom and then I felt his teeth as he began to bite my tender flesh (oh and for the record the biting is something I find incredibly exciting and we previously discovered he loved doing to me!) Bound as I was I could not squirm away or grasp tightly to our pillows as I usually did when this type of play would begin. I had to lie face down with my cheek pressed to the pillows and my ass nice and high while he continued to first bite, then lick, then bite again my round bottom and then move to the delicate flesh of my inner thighs. I could feel my pussy twitching and pulsating with pleasure with each bite, each sensation and then... I felt our recent paddle purchase crack across my bottom.
The sharp sting causing me to cry out and then moan with pleasure as I heard his pleased response to the lovely marks forming across my ass. For several minutes he tortured me with his teeth, then his mouth, then the paddle as I lay helpless and vulnerable to his desires. My thumbs were laced around the ropes that were pulled down across my pussy lips and with each bite or paddle I tugged tightly against them. The sensations of the ropes across my swollen pussy caused my body to pulse with pleasure the more he teased and tortured me. Then I felt him pull away and heard the sound of our toybox being unlocked....unable to see what he might be retrieving from the box, my heart began to thump like a rapid snare drum drill. I felt his fingers which had been teasing my body earlier in between bites begin to push our largest vibrator into me as he teased my clit. My hips arched upwards aching for my pussy to be filled. He thrust the vibrator in and out of me and continue to use his other hand to paddle my exposed ass. I cried out my pleasure over and over into the pillows as he teased my body.
Then abruptly the toy was removed and I was flipped onto my back, my bound arms under me, my thumbs still laced into the ropes and tugging them tight against my pussy flesh. He lifted my thighs and pushed them open wide as he slid his hard cock into my hot slippery pussy. The sensation of having him fuck me while I was bound up nice and tight was almost to much to handle. The electric jolts of pleasure coursing up and down my spine were driving me wild, my pussy clenching and unclenching over and over in orgasm as he continued to thrust in and out of me. Everything he had done this night, from the gentle way he bound me to the forceful taking of my pussy right now had driven me insane with pleasure...only one thing remained....and with one last hard thrust I felt my prize as his cock exploded and he pumped me full of his hot cum, my body pulsing with the pulsating orgasms that always wracked my body as he came inside me. As he pulled out of me I couldn't help but think "wow, now that was amazingly powerful sex we've had in a long time!".
My body trembled with aftershocks as he turned me onto my stomach and began removing my harness. As the last of the rope was removed, I curled into his body, languishing peacefully in his strong arms, so content to belong to this man, my husband and so happy that we were still finding new ways to bring excitement and fun into our bedroom!
Mmmmm....last night was an amazing night and I can't wait until we get a chance for him to practice his ropes again! Who knows...maybe I will share our next experience here as well!
Hope you enjoy reading about it as much as I enjoyed experiencing it!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
It Begins....
Well I've been telling myself I'm going to start a blog for a long, long time. Unfortunately, life keeps happening around me and I never stopped to do what I wanted to do. I never slowed down long enough to make the time to create a place for the creative me to grow or maybe I avoided it out of fear that the creative me was long dead....but after months of following certain folks on Twitter who allow their creativity to flow unhindered, I finally took the leap. I know that inside me lies a writer, a creative spirit that longs to spin tales, create pictures with words and releash the emotions that lie buried deep within the confines of my heart and soul....so we shall see what happens...we will see if I truly do have it within me to write again to put pen to paper (or fingers to keys) and make something beautiful again.
The name of the blog is unusual...yes I realize that and honestly I'm not even sure that the two words can actually go together in that way, but they spoke to me....so there it is. Khairein means pleasure in Greek and Noesis means perceived by the mind, apprehended, thought about. Khairein Noesis - Pleasure Perceived by the Mind. Words are pleasure to me....alot of things bring me pleasure some simple and mundane...others complicated, intense and strongly erotic. I will be exploring them all here, seeking to find and dwell on those things that affect me the most....I hope that as time passes readers will find me and will join me on my journey to wherever it may take me.
My mind is a sea of words
Thoughts and meanderings
Swimming in the chaotic storm of my soul.
They toss and turn
Thrown this way and that
Fighting to reach the shore.
Battling my fears, my doubts
Certain if they can force past it all
I will make them into something concrete.
Something solid and permanent
Lasting and eternal
Something to read and remember.
I hope they are right.....for the journey begins now.
Kyiara
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