A Love You Hold Out For....

I just watched the end of a movie that was from a book I once read...."Nights In Rodanthe". Yeah, I know Nicholas Sparks...sappy, cliche', etc., etc. But the movie made me think. Made me think about what I have with my husband....think about the love we share and how incredibly precious it is.

I'm really not sure that he even fathoms how incredibly important is love is to me. I don't know if he realizes how MUCH I love him and on so many different levels. I don't know if he knows that he saved me....

You see, I am quite a damaged person. I suffer from depression and it often takes hold of me in a way that is very overwhelming. In a way that makes me hard to live with and hard to love. Just the other day I drove to work thinking about my depression and how it sneaks in on me and starts to settle into my head and my heart. I wish I had had a voice recorder to record my thoughts at that time....they were pretty deep and insightful, but I alas I lost alot of them and am trying to remember everything that my brain spun. But the point of me bringing that up in the midst of a post about how much I love my husband is that I was waxing poetic and deep because I knew my depression was surfacing again. If you've ever lived with depression you know how it works, but if not then you may not realize that people who suffer from depression aren't always sad, depressed, etc. It comes in cycles, waves so to speak. For me I can live months, sometimes a year without it ever surfacing for me, but then suddenly the storm will come back towards the shore and wash over me....swallowing me up within its darkness and begin making me feel like I'm drowning. I've learned to recognize it. I've learned thru time to see the signs that the "weather" (so to speak) is changing and that the wave is going to be heading back towards the shore...towards me. That's where I was the other night driving...I recognized that the storm was coming, that likely soon its waves would wash over me and I would find myself having to cope with the affects, the symptoms that come with that storm. Which brings me back to him...to my husband...to my love.

You see in all our years together, thru time and hard lessons I have learned that when the storm waves comes crashing in on me the ONE thing that will keep me from drowning completely is to hang on to something solid. HE is that solid thing. In my mind I see a beach, a rocky shoreline with crashing waves and a raging storm and on that shore there is a post anchored deep with a rope tied to it. When the big waves come I have only to grab that rope and hang on tightly to the rope and the post and when the wave pulls away it won't take me out to sea with it. I will remain safe on shore, ragged and worn from the storm, but alive. He is my anchor to sanity. He is my world.

There are not enough words to explain what it feels like to love someone with that much depth. I love him for the lighthearted fun we have, I love him for the passion we share, I love him for the wonderful incredible man he is....and I love him because without him I would SURELY drown.

"You are the answer to every prayer I've ever offered. You are a song, a dream, a whisper...and I don't know how I could have lived without you for as long as I did."....The Notebook

"...There is another kind of love...one that gives you the courage to be better than you are, one that makes you feel that anything is possible..." Night in Rodanthe

You are that kind of love for me baby. Without finding you I would have been lost...eventually the storm would have come again and would have carried me away into a sea of insanity. I would have been lost....without you I simply would have been lost. Thank you for saving me...for loving me and for continuing to weather the storms with me.